This weekend at the Shadowlane party I had some pretty intense emotionally cleansing experiences. I have always been into spanking since I was a young age, but up until the other night I hadn’t really experienced a real spanking…I don’t mean a real one in the fact that is was very painful or that I did something wrong. More along the lines of experiences such an intense emotionally cleansing experience. We were at the party Saturday night and a few of us went upstairs to Miss Chris’s room hang out for a bit. This included Eve (the party host) Clare, Miss Chris, Denis, Stephanie Locke, and another friend of Eve’s. We were talking and all of a sudden I expressed how grateful I was for being at this party and how my whole life I have felt out of place and somehow let down and for one of the few times I felt so loved and accepted and understood that it was so overwhelming. I had never felt this strongly towards a group of people in my whole life. They were like me and they got me and I got them. Wow what a feeling. I began to say that I have been searching for that woman who would give me the kind of spanking I needed for a long time and I didn’t mean hard or excruisiatingly painful, I meant one that would give me the cathartic floaty feeling that happens when a sub goes into their head and escapes. Stephanie Locke, one the most popular mistresses of the s & m world said that she would help me with that problem. Her and her partner where there together and they had just bought lots of new spanking toys and she was going to use some on me as well as use her hand on me. She was so respectful and everything was 100% consensual even her asking if she could take down my tight green panties.
As I was lying over her lap, my feet on one side of the couch and my head laying down on the other side of the couch. I let my face sink into the soft fluffy cushions of the large couch. My curly hair fell beside my face to hide my eyes from the light of the room. The few others in there were talking amongst themselves but I could not hear specifics, only sentences here and there and nothing that made much sense as I was sliding into a deep sort of place within myself. Stephanie started slowly over my little red party dress. She began whacking me very lightly and lovingly with her hand and eventually pulled up my dress and continued. She was only giving one swat here or there with a good 15 to 20 seconds between. As she was conversing with the others as well as focusing on me and she let me hold her hand at one point. She than began to bring down, not very hard at first, a small wooden paddle dipped in rubber onto my already pink behind. I could feel it, but there was a nice tingling sensation that was happening to my bottom from the long warm up she gave me. She switched off slowly between her hand and the paddle and went faster at times and slower at times. I felt hot tears building up in my eyes and I didn’t know why. I wasn’t sad about anything….it didn’t even hurt me past what my limit is. I was slipping to what I found out to be later a sub space in my head that was almost a hypnotic state. This experience allowed me to go inside myself and feel feelings that I hadn’t felt before and had been longing for for such a long time. I felt this strange overpowering love and respect and like I was worth something. I was a worthy enough person to be receiving this very therapeutic spanking that had been absent from my life. Stephanie had a way of talking to me and making me feel ok. No one knew I had these now streaming tears down my face as my hair that was now sticking to my makeup covered face was hiding me from the light, from the world and creating this safe place where I could let go of all control. The spanking had gone up a level and I could feel it a lot more now, it was stingy and hard, but it was soothing and made me cry harder. It was like I was on some kind of ride and I was working through some emotional baggage but I could not understand how this was happening and why I was crying. I decided to stop analyzing the situation and to just go with it. I sobbed quietly to myself and lay there limp and felt myself sinking in the sofa as I lay across Mistress Stephanie’s warm lap. My bottom was raised high over her knees now receiving its swats on my bare bottom. I was not even aware of the fact that my panties had been brought down to around my knees. But, I knew I was worthy of it and I felt safe. I cried one of the most therapeutic cries I have ever cried. I wasn’t angry or hurt or upset about anything. I was working through stuff, through stuff I didn’t even know existed within me. I felt like I was in this bubble of comfort and love. As each swat came down I imagined how much I had longed for an experience like this and cried more then out of joy that it was finally coming true. I was getting what I needed what I wanted and what I had longed for. There are not enough words to describe this experience.
After the spanking was over, Mistress Locke rubbed my red bottom to sooth it and then pulled up my little green panties. My dress was pulled down over my raised bottom and straightened out. I lifted my head and looked away from the crowd. It had shrunk to my surprise. There were only about 5 of us left. Clare, Eve and Stephanie were now in the bedroom fixing themselves up to go back to the party. There was one other person in the room with me. I looked at him and he knew what I had just experienced. It was like he could read me as he looked into my eyes. We didn’t have to say anything but we were having an exchange of understanding and knowing. I felt very light and had trouble walking straight. It was like I was on a drug that I had never felt before. It was such an endorphin rush and high that I felt floaty. My face was warm and my hair was sticking to the dried tears below my eyes. Anyone who could look into my eyes knew what was happening as most of them had experienced that too. I didn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed to look this way/ I knew no one was judging me and would judge me. Eve and Stephanie both hugged me and said it was going to be ok and that I looked beautiful. I was told that I looked like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and that I seemed lighter and less anxious and less high strung. I felt like me and it felt real. I have not ever truly felt like me or at least I cannot remember the last time I felt like me and it was scary too. I was scared that I would never feel this again and I wanted to make it last but knew it wouldn’t last forever. I knew that I was going to have to find a way to get to this point back where I lived and back in my everyday life. I knew that my next step in this scene was to find a domme for myself. To find that older woman who was able to bring me to this point again. I could not imagine now what life would be like without having done this. I know a lot of people would not understand this, especially those who are not into spanking like I am, but I just hope that they can at least try to understand it as there are a few I would like to share this with outside of the spanking world.
After I felt ready we went back down to the party. A few of my friends there came up to me and could read in my face what just happened and just hugged me and told me how far I have come. About a year ago I worked with Miss Chris and Jennie Mack on a video and I found them down at the party and they read me, they knew. They had seen how far I have come and they made me feel safe and ok and like I was now part of them. I was now part of this world of people that I hadn’t been before. Yes, I was a spanking model and did videos, but now I was part of the general public of spankos. I was at their level of it as well as my own. We talked more and hung out with others down there and then around 11pm people started to trickle up to the suite parties. I was staying late that night as Denis said that he would come back and get me so I didn’t have to take a cab at 3am back to the place I was staying with Clare and Denis. I went from suite party to suite party “playing” with different people.
Soon, I will be going to work for Punished brats and I am going to make my debut of an on camera spanking from a male. I am giving David Pierson this honor as he is the person who helped to stsart me in the business. But before being spanked on camera by a man, I felt that it would be a good idea to test it out off camera, so this party was the perfect time for that. I had one of my first real spanking from a man. (I had a few previously, but not as serious and not as real in my mind) I mean real as in not on camera, for money, and not for the purpose of photographs. I was going to do this with Keith Jones but could not find him and found my new friend Danny Creighton from Shadow Lane. We hit it off good and I felt comfortable with him from the minute I met him the night before. I knew I could trust him and I willingly laid across his lap on the bed. There were other spankings going on around me, I think about 4 others in that room. He told me if it was too hard to lift my leg and he would take it down a notch. I trusted him and knew he would not hurt me. He listened to my body and read it and didn’t do more than I could take. He is an experienced spanker and knew what he was doing. As he was spanking me I told him about my experience previously and he was so happy for me. He and I bonded. I am glad that I had this experience with him. It was not sexual in anyway and that was completely understood from the minute we met even. He knew I wasn’t asking him to spank me for that, he knew me and what my needs were. This experience with him also opened my mind up to newer ways of thinking. I think I could now start to become comfortable with a man spanking me, but not in a sexual way ever and not as hard as most men seem to spank. I would also have to completely trust him and know him. To trust someone is to feel ok being vulnerable and crying in front of them and when I know I can do that I know it is the right person to have an experience with like this.
The new experiences I had at this party will be with me forever and have opened up so many doors for me that I would not have otherwise let me open. They could only be opened in the right situation and I feel blessed to have had that given to me.
I am going to try and attend as many spanking parties as I can and meet as many people as I can and really get to know myself better. These experiences helped me to start to know who I am and feel feelings I hadn’t before. So, thank you Stephanie, thank you Danny, thank you Clare for helping me make this happen financially and thank you Eve and Tony for hosting this wonderful event. I look forward to the next and everyone after that.
Clare snapped this photo of me.
